Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
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When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name