One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
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[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
You’ll be OK
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face