Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
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So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster