Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
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ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Breaking news:
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
#milo
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
No. He’s not coming out to play
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.