My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
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When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
my astrological sign is a french fry
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Good morning y’all ☀️
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?