I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
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My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what