My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
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Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
A new level of troll.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.