I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
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Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made