I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
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“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that