Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
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I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan