Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
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The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead