I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
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ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.