Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
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‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.