*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
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Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!