[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
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[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
🔦🌙👣
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.