[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
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Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
is this store having a stroke wtf
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?