Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
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I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Trumpy Cat
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
all that yoga finally paid off
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it