Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
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Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
the pigeons are already plenty salty
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.