My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
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[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married