When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
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Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head