She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
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sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
The sacred texts.
Solving a traffic jam
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
British websites use biscuits.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.