Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
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Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!