me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
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Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
This week’s mood.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.