“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
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Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.