Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
You Might Also Like
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?