nothing saves money like being antisocial
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EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Beware of fowl play.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…