remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
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*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
dads on road-trips be like
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
crying
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Seductively sings in Klingon.