Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
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Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
This could be us, but you weedin’.