Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
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5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?