I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
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Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Forever 21… pounds overweight
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE