Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
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I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.