i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
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Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Finally a use for spoilers…
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.