OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
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SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas