just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
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me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Kids: Stay in school.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.