Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
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They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Just had my nails done!
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly