Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
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[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
That’s incredible! 👌
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.