A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
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“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight