The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
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INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”