One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
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Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
🖤✌🏽
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
me working on my assignments ^-^
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.