Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
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Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Woke up with morning Yule Log
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Duck typos.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Merry Christmas
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
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Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?