friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
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It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive