Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
You Might Also Like
Easy enough.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
😂😂
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day