son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
You Might Also Like
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Sooo many times…..
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
When someone says you are so lazy