The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
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Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”