me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
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He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
🤔😂😂
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”