I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
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THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Watson was Holmes schooled
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.