All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
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I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.