HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
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Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
a public service announcement
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?