Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
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I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
he chose this
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.