What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
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In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Is this a threat?
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”